


When I Look Myself In The Mirror (Now I'm Seeing Things A Little Clearer)

by Local_Lover_Boy



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: A fluffy ending? Kinda?, Ava has sad feelings, F/F, THIS IS HEAVY ANGST, They'r gonna figure it out., Trigger Warning for mentioned self harm, really sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-10-03 22:30:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17292653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Local_Lover_Boy/pseuds/Local_Lover_Boy
Summary: It’s not that Ava’s day was bad. No one died or quit, hank wasn’t there, Gary kept a respectful distance, and Nate didn’t cause any trouble. She did paperwork most of the day, nothing truly heavy. So Ava wondered why she was feeling this way.





	When I Look Myself In The Mirror (Now I'm Seeing Things A Little Clearer)

**Author's Note:**

> OKAY SO TRIGGER WARNING FOR THOUGHTS OF SELF HARM AND LIKE? A SMALL DESCRIPTION OF IT. Title from 'Put The Gun Down' By Andy Black

It’s not that Ava’s day was bad. No one died or quit, hank wasn’t there, Gary kept a respectful distance, and Nate didn’t cause any trouble. She did paperwork most of the day, nothing truly heavy. So Ava wondered why she was feeling this way. Why she was feeling so sad, so alone. Why she felt like everything was falling apart an it was all her fault. It’s stupid, she thinks. She think that it’s stupid she feels this way, for she has no reason. She can’t grasp what the feeling is really. Normally, the feeling is not feeling real. But this is different. Maybe it’s just normal work stress all building up.

Alcohol. That’s what she decides she needs. She sighs as she picks a random bottle. She doesn’t really know what it is. She doesn’t know until she goes to pour it into the wine glass. So, it’s vodka. She laughs to herself. Vodka in a wine glass. How classy is she? She doesn’t put the bottle away, simply lids it and sets it aside. It burns a little when she takes the first drink, and for a moment she thinks she deserves it; that she deserves pain. Everything she lives is a lie anyways, a life that the next clone is just gonna forget, so what does it matter if she lets herself loose? If she lets herself drink until she forgets and wakes up in so much pain? Pain that she deserves? She looks at the glass for a moment, and that's when the tears start falling. She thinks she should call someone, just to make sure she doesn’t do anything crazy. She shakes her head at that. She can handle herself. She’s a big girl. Se takes another drink, this one longer, and relaxes in the stool some more. She tries to take deep breaths, but her tears are turning the breaths into choked sobs, and she thinks for a minute that if she keeps this up she could pass out, but dismisses that thought as illogical and stupid. She looks up, and a small knife catches her eye.

She realizes that blood really is the only thing that separates her from the other Ava’s. She looks at the knife and considers for a moment. She’s seen her own blood before, but never really payed attention to it. She wonders what it looks like drawing from a neat, fresh line in her wrist.

Maybe she should call someone. She takes another drink.

“Fuck it, She mumbles. She pulls her phone out of the pocket of her sweat pants, and cringes when she sees her lockscreen. It’s a picture of her and Sara. Sara’s on her back, elbows resting on Ava’s shoulders. For a moment she’s sober, and all logic is telling her to call Sara. But then she’s drunk again, taking yet another drink, and reminding herself that Sara has her own shit. That she needs to help Sara before she could help herself. Really, she means it honestly, she loves Sara more than she loves herself. She hates herself for fucking up. For being selfish and running away from Sara. For being selfish and taking so long to say ‘I love you’. She pauses.

Sara loves her. 

She realizes this. She isn't useless. She has so much that separates her from the other Ava’s. She has friends and feelings and love. She has love. She has Sara. She has her friends. She’s the only Ava that has friends. The only Ava that has emotion. She unlocks the phone, and through her drunk vision, it takes her a moment to find Sara’s contact. She presses call. 

One ring. 

Two rings. That’s okay, Sara might be busy.

Three rings. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.

Right before the fourth ring, Sara speaks.

“Babe?” 

“Sara? Can - can you uhm,”

“Ava? Are you drunk?” Sara’s voice is genuinely concerned. She sounds like she’s moving, maybe she’s reaching for something.

“Yeah,” Ava’s voice is small, weak and scared. She hears Sara pause, moving around some more.

“Where are you? Are you home?” Ava smiles. She does care. People care about her. Home. 

“Mmhm,” Ava confirms, taking the last swig of the glass. She thinks to refill it before Sara gets here, cause she knows that’s what Sara’s gonna suggest next. She shrugs, grabbing the bottle and placing it to her lips. 

“Okay. I’m on my way.” Ava knew it. The call ends, and she sets the bottle down. Her head hurts a little. Sara’s portalling in a second later, and Ava notices the look on her face. Like she understands what Ava’s going through. Sara doesn’t say anything; she just walks over to Ava and hugs her. Ava returns the hug immediately, the tears falling again. Sara’s petting Ava’s hair, whispering to her as she cries. They stay there for awhile, and Ava feels Sara moving. She’s putting the lid on the bottle. 

“I'm gonna get you some water, okay baby?” Sara asks, her voice quiet and soft. Ava nods and Sara moves away. Ava brushes her tears away, and turns to look at Sara. “You’re not normally a sad drunk,” Sara jokes as she grabs the glass and rinses it out before grabbing a cup to fill with water. “What happened baby?” Sara asks as she hands Ava an aspirin and the cup. Ava takes it, and just looks at Sara. Where to start?

“Well,” Ava sighs, and Sara grabs her hand. Sara leads her to their room, deciding Ava needs more comfort than her dark kitchen. Sara pulls the blankets down, and turns her sides lamp on. Sara pulls Ava close, putting Ava’s head on her chest. Ava adjusts herself, and wraps her arms around Sara. Sara does the same, and places a kiss to Ava’s temple.

“I just kind of, I don’t know, lost it,” Ava still can't find a way to describe the feeling, especially now that shes drunk. Sara nods, hoping Ava will continue. “I mean, I really lost it. Started thinking about how nothing I do matters because the next Ava won’t remember or feel. Baby I,” Ava paused, and she feels herself getting overwhelmed. Sara’s running her hand through her hair again, and shushing her quietly, and she takes a moment to breathe before she says; “I almost hurt myself.” She feels Sara gasp under her. Sara’s grip gets tighter. Sara’s breathing changes, and Ava’s confused for a moment before she understands. Sara’s crying. Ava’s heart shatters. She caused this. She made Sara cry, again. She starts to spiral down again, before Sara shifts and hugs her. Holds her as if the worlds burning around them. Sara just holds her.

“Baby, I love you. I can’t lose you. It sounds so selfish but I just can’t lose you. Don’t leave me baby, please.” Sara’s voice is like Ava’s, weak and upset. Ava nods, and kisses Sara. It’s salty, since they’re both crying. But Ava doesn’t mind. Sara pulls away, and turns out the light.

“You wanna let me be the big spoon tonight?” Sara asks. Ava lets out a teary laugh.

“Sure thing, small fry. Sure thing.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is a vent. I promise I'm okay.


End file.
